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THE BONDAGE
OF REGRET AND THE TYRANNY OF MEMORY
One mans story of abortion: walking between the barriers
of the past and fear of the future.
My friend and I
had an abortion 3 months after Row v. Wade was passed
I
then walked in what I refer to as The Bondage of Regret and
the Tyranny of Memory - walking between the barriers of the
past and fear of the future.
We had no opportunity for
consultation
It was a mess.
There were two distinct areas of guilt: first, with the
child and second, with the lady.
Skip the long convoluted path I took (broken relationships,
friends lost by time, marriage, divorce, death) to get
there. Suffice it to say, she and I spent one night together
(after having known each other for several years). You know
the story. That is all it took.
We chose to have the abortion (my suggestion and
arrangements). She was agreeable and supportive of that
decision. We were both lost and scared
with not a soul to
talk to
I went with her, remained for the procedure, took
her home
and abandoned her. I did not return calls or
mail.
From the moment we walked out of the clinic, this weight
descended on my shoulders
and remained.
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I WENT
WITH HER, REMAINED FOR THE PROCEDURE, TOOK HER
HOME
AND ABANDONED HER. I DID NOT RETURN CALLS
OR MAIL. |
After I took her home, the next day she nearly bled to
death. She had to quit her job and find a new career. She
has had years of therapy (which continues today). She made a
good career choice and did quite well for herself. She does
not feel that God has forgiven her. She supports abortion
rights because to do otherwise she would feel like a
hypocrite - that is her statement. Her inner self, however,
remains unsettled.
I think of the child every year, or at special times of the
year, or his/her life in heaven. Will we see each other or
recognize each other?
that my children have a "brother or
sister" in heaven ... many (all) of those questions I carry
in my heart ... not with my family
My regret (one of them) is that I acted totally alone, in
silence, in secret; there were no resources of folks to talk
to about options or alternatives
either for me as a male
or as a couple
I operated out of fear, embarrassment,
shame
I tossed out all the limited Christian roots and
teaching of the 10 commandments that I had. I tossed out
my Boy Scout laws and promise. I tossed out all that I
believed in
for expediency
and created bondage and
lived with the tyranny of that over me
I also live with the regret for my treatment of a fine lady
Several years later (I had always been a good church goer
and a believer - in the denominational sense), after
learning about Christ's forgiveness, while standing in
church, with my family around me (it was a burden I carried
within myself) I silently repented and asked for Gods
forgiveness. Instantly the burden was lifted from my
shoulders and a sense of joy welled up within me. It was
awesome ... and still is.
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MY
REGRET (ONE OF THEM) IS THAT I ACTED TOTALLY
ALONE, IN SILENCE, IN SECRET |
About 8 years ago I was compelled (Gods compelling) to seek
forgiveness; to seek to restore lost and broken
relationships, and to acknowledge those who have been of
value in my life (both men and women).
The woman involved in this abortion was one that I needed
(wanted / desired) to communicate with. I had been trying to
locate her for literally decades. A friend of mine located
her email address by a common friend.
We have since had much communication ... all by email.
I asked for her forgiveness. I never have received it
specifically.
However, I know that I have done my part. I know that God is
and has been working in her subsequent difficult life.
We have had many conversations about the circumstance, our
emotions, and the steps we individually went through (I
would only email, never phone or visit). That has brought a
kind of freedom for us both in and of itself.
She sends me really good Christian poetry and other internet
stuff
all very good
I know she knows, just cannot accept
it for herself ...
I have tried to get her to go to Rachel's Vineyard (a safe
place to renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by
abortion). I have found folks in the area that would be
willing to go visit with her. She can't make that step.
As I was going through this process I was accountable to my
small group as well as 3 pastors. I also sought and found a
professional Christian Counsellor to give myself a "mental
check up" to be sure I was OK. And of course my wife was
aware also...
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FROM
THE MOMENT WE WALKED OUT OF THE CLINIC, THIS
WEIGHT DESCENDED ON MY SHOULDERS
AND REMAINED. |
So that is the gist of it all
lots more detail and good
things have resulted from that ...
God is good ... God's grace is sufficient for those who turn
to Him.
Gods forgiveness and grace is merciful
but the scars
remain
now healed
now somewhat more distant
less
troubling
but there
the death that lives within
If I can help men/boys from having that same experience
at
least to be enlightened or educated or have the benefit of
wisdom from experience
so be it
I have learned I no longer have a need to "dump everything
on the table" any longer. Seeking forgiveness is a real
healer.
The end result of it all, right along with my other missed
steps in life, is a desire to be available for others. To
hopefully be able to share in someone's life, supporting
them to better choices and outcomes. Hence, Gods compelling
me to an interest in evangelism and mentoring.
One of the key goals of The Valley Care Pregnancy Centre is
to offer hope, help and healing for men and women who suffer
from their abortion experience. Our experience tells us that
most people feel they are alone and have no one to talk to.
We are here for you.
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